You Too Can Write the Great American Novel
A lot of young authors aspire to write the Great American Novel, but seem to regard it as some lofty, nigh on impossible achievement. Be not discouraged, young scribes: the Great American Novel has already been written once, and it's called The Da Vinci Code. Granted, it's not that great and takes place entirely in Europe and all except for the main character, who is the most nondescript of the lot, are European, but the author is American, it was very popular in airports, and it was made into a shitty movie by Ron Howard – all of which is pretty American. Plus, it made boatloads of money, which is something we Americans hold in high esteem. This, however, is beside the point. We're here to talk about you writing the Great American Novel, which, believe it or not, you can do. And I'm here to help. If you know how to do it, you might ask, why don't you just write the Great American Novel yourself? First of all, shut up. This is my column and I'll not be interrupted by you talking out of turn.
Secondly, I have other, less predictable goals in mind. At present, I am working on reviving the Great American Pamphlet (watch out, Thomas Paine – I'm on your ass), and penning the Great Kosovar Novel. If and when this tiny ethnic Albanian province is granted independence from Serbia, I will have the market cornered. Should that fail to happen, I can still publish my book and hold a benefit concert for Kosovar independence with U2 as the headliner, which will only increase the stature of my towering literary milestone. This is what we pros call a "win-win situation." So as you can see, I'm much too busy to fuss with the Great American Novel. But you, you don't appear to be doing much of consequence. Surely you can manage to tear yourself away from SportsCenter, or Halo III or celebrity gossip magazines long enough to contribute a timeless work of genius to the national canon. Now let's get to it.There are a number of ways to go about writing the Great American Novel, and I'm going to break down a few of the more common ones so that maybe someday you'll accomplish something and I won't have to do all the (metaphorically) heavy lifting around here.
Work Your Way Up to ItAmerica is a vast expanse of shattered hopes and broken dreams in which any road could lead to fame and fortune, or just as easily to ruin. As such, writing the Great American Novel can be daunting. (If you're stuck, try opening with that first sentence.) A good way to approach your literary masterwork is to work your way up to it incrementally. You need to crawl before you can walk. First, try your hand at the Great Luxembourgian Novella. Even smaller than our little state, Luxembourg can easily be distilled into 120 pages or so. After that, perhaps you can move on to the Great Canadian Novel. I suggest simply stealing something from James Fenimore Cooper and using Microsoft Word's find-and-replace tool to change all the "abouts" to "aboots." Then carefully punctuate all dialogue with "Eh." Now you're ready to start working on a real country.
Fight in the Spanish Civil War
This is the sort of formative experience that puts that "I've seen it all and lived to tell the tale" look in your eyes, and causes you to question your conversion to Catholicism. Whether you choose to fight on the side of the leftist Republican government or the fascist Franco regime, what's important is that you come out of it world-weary and with a profound understanding of both the depth of mankind's soul and his capacity for cruelty. Be sure to sustain some kind of injury while there, so that years later you can sit in a Key West bar and reflect on the horror you've seen while lesser authors stare at you slack-jawed and awe-struck.
Chronicle the "Immigrant Experience"
It's a little known fact that most Americans are descended from people who moved here from other countries; these people are known as "immigrants," and their "experience" is rich with gravitas and symbolism. To better understand this "experience," go down to your local supermarket or Home Depot and find someone who doesn't speak English. Ask him if he's your great-uncle. Write down whatever he says. Be sure to include something about triumph over adversity – people eat that shit up.
Summer in Long Island and Befriend a Dashing Young Millionaire with a Shadowy Past Whose Swinging, Jazz Age Parties and Cavalier Attitude Are But a Cover For His Heartbreak Over the Loss of His Beloved Daisy
While you're there, try to come up with something F. Scott Fitzgerald hasn't done already.
Spend A Lot of Time Sitting in Coffee Shops
For the post-irony crowd, Sitting in Coffee Shops is the new Fighting in the Spanish Civil War. Their warm, inviting atmosphere and steady supply of caffeine will help you hone your witty insouciance, wry pop culture references, and postmodern literary gimmickry. Personally, I have done a fair amount of writing at Jessie's on Federal Hill, where the coffee is hot and fresh, and the lovely ladies behind the counter are willing to pretend that I'm a serious writer with interesting things to say. Of course, you're always welcome to find your own path to the Great American Novel, but these are time-tested shortcuts to instant, prefabricated success – and after all, what's more American than that?
