Malcontent

Happy Holidays, Consumers

Season’s greetings, and a warm, non-denominational wish for a happy holiday season to you, an American, typically between the ages of 25-54, most likely female, Caucasian, with a median household …

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Season’s greetings, and a warm, non-denominational wish for a happy holiday season to you, an American, typically between the ages of 25-54, most likely female, Caucasian, with a median household income of $75,549.23, from us, Your Local Neighborhood Boxcorp Omni-martTM.

Here at Your Local Neighborhood Boxcorp Omni-martTM, we’re dedicated to creating a sense of community in (HAVE INTERN FILL IN NAME OF TOWN HERE). That’s why when you walk into our store, you’re greeted by friendly, familiar faces who know you – people like the guy who used to own the town hardware store, the guy who used to run the appliance shop down the street, the former Boy Scout Troop Leader out on work release, and your creepy uncle. It’s just our way of saying, “Howdy, neighbor! Our retinal scanners Inceptioned money saving coupons on your preferred detergent brand directly into your brain the moment you walked in the door. It’s been exactly 52 days since we’ve seen you – the second longest absence in your CardMember® Rewards Lifetime©. Are you mad at us? We hear your daughter’s pregnant... Oh, you didn’t know?”

Our statistics indicate that you want only the best for your family during this non-specific time of seasonal merriment, and that’s why we’re committed to offering the best values on the gifts they really want: smart phones, tablets, phablets, fablettes (like phablets, but faaaab), an entire NFL season beamed directly into your penis, guns, other guns, crossbows, princess beds, a Chinese baby, nondefense aircraft parts and a Boxcorp XxxclusiveTM live double album and soft core porn Blu-Ray by Michael Buble. You’ll find them all in stock and at rock bottom prices this month and YOU DON’T NEED TO SHOP ANYWHERE ELSE.

Excuse us.

What we’re trying to say is that we here at Your Local Neighborhood Boxcorp Omni-martTM are truly your neighbors – and not just because our full service parking lot with complimentary shuttle service, amusement park and sausage eating contest is large enough to border each and every one of your yards, or because all of your teenage children work here. We like to think that it’s our shared commitment to Good, Old Fashioned, All-American Values® that unites us. That’s why you can feel safe sharing things with us, like the contents of your cell phone, which we began scanning when you entered the parking lot; your medical records, which you granted us full, legal access to when you agreed to the terms of service on our mobile app; and your innermost secrets and fears, which we access through a sustained campaign of sophisticated psychological warfare techniques pioneered against the Viet Cong. According to our Directorate of Liquid Affairs and Pinterest, that’s what the holidays are truly all about.

So, during this festive season of non-sectarian joyfulness, we invite you to SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE AT YOUR LOCAL NEIGHBORHOOD BOXCORP OMNI-MARTTM. We guarantee you’ll find the perfect gift for every loved one on your list, or we’ll refer that person to our Directorate of Liquid Affairs and Pinterest for “Re-Welcoming.”© Just tell us who that person is. We need a name.

We thank you for visiting us for all your seasonal needs – from decorations to gift wrap to heavy industrial chemicals – right here in your (former) neighborhood. And sorry, we’re not hiring at this time.

Sincerely,
Rufus Wentworth “Skeeter” Duke IV Boxcorp CEO