Off to the Races

Election season is upon us, and more candidates may yet join in the fun


By the end of last year, the political landscape of the 2014 elections in Rhode Island was already looking like a pretty crowded field, with high profile candidates announcing early and often. As we gear up for a long election season, there are still a lot of prospective candidates lingering on the margins, playing a “will they or won’t they?” game with the electorate. So, as the depths of winter set in and we have nothing better to pass the time than idle speculation, let’s take a look at who might yet jump into the fray.

Buddy Cianci: Mayor of Providence
People continue to wonder if the man who still routinely goes by “Mayor” will make one last run at City Hall, and Cianci, ever the showman, seems all too happy to entertain the discussion. What most people don’t realize is that it doesn’t matter whether he chooses to launch an official campaign: a little remembered City ordinance from Buddy’s ‘90s heyday dictates that his name must legally appear on the ballot as a candidate in every mayoral election until 25 years after his death.

Chris Young: Mayor of Providence, General Treasurer, Secretary of State, Senior Class President, Secretary General of the Model UN, Wikipedia Administrator, Chancellor of the Galactic Senate
Ever the wild card, this perennial candidate has not been shy in the past about throwing his hat into the ring – or even throwing multiple hats into multiple rings. Young has been quiet thus far into the election cycle, but if recent history proves correct, voters are soon to see him flop-sweating his way through the fringes of a debate, flanked by his inexplicably attractive girlfriend. While the field might be too crowded for him in the Providence mayoral race, GoLocalProv’s Dan Lawlor seems to think he’s got an outside shot at Chancellor of the Galactic Senate.

Carolyn Rafaelian: Governor
Word on the street is that Cranston’s number one jewelry and lifestyle impresario is currently channeling energy and opening chakras to determine whether she should campaign for the State House, or simply buy it and install a Bangle Bar. Alex and Ani CEO and presumptive campaign manager Giovanni Feroce won’t say for sure whether his business partner will be a candidate, but he was more than willing to raise speculation, declaring, “Someday you’ll sit on an Alex and Ani chair, and it will feel better. Or you’ll eat off of Alex and Ani plates, and the food will taste better. Or you’ll vote for Carolyn Rafaelian and it will count twice.”

Curt Schilling: Governor
The former video game magnate needs money and a job, so he’s certainly looking for his next move. Sources close to Schilling say that the possibility appeals to him because, while his candidacy may be a long shot, simply entering the race would make him a shoo-in for Biggest A--hole of All Time.

Michelle Kwan: Lieutenant Governor
With her husband, Clay Pell, poised to jump into the gubernatorial race, the duo may be looking to establish themselves as a Clinton-esque power couple. Though the former Olympian has thus far demonstrated her usual grace, poise and poetry of movement, she’s had difficulty sticking the landing on policy issues, which may hurt her score with the Ukranian judge.

Pell Clay: Governor
While the Pell family has established a legacy of public service and honor in Rhode Island extending back generations, their lesser known evil doppelgangers, the Clay family, have brought decades of shame and ignominy to the alternate reality version of Rhode Island on another plane of existence in which they live. Once every four years a small portal between the two dimensions briefly opens, creating a brief window of opportunity for the doppelgangers to pass over into our realm. When that happens later this month, anticipation is high that the rakish Pell Clay (Clay Pell’s evil counterpart) may attempt to make the jump – though political insiders don’t see the logic, as his alternate reality version of Rhode Island has a booming economy and the lowest unemployment rate in the country.