The Hardest Working Men in "No" Business

Our General Assembly can be accused of many things – corruption, inefficiency, nepotism, cronyism, shortsightedness, pigheadedness, blind partisanship... shall I go on? But one thing it cannot be accused of is laziness. Whether they’re saving us taxpayers the cost of paying a full-time legislature by supplementing their income with a few bucks from CVS, staying late to pass bothersome legislation at an hour when it’s unlikely to disturb the rest of us trying to sleep, or working hard to spare us the confusing and unwieldy choice between two distinct political parties, our dutiful legislators don’t lack hustle.

One area in which they truly excel is in generating a nice, steady stream of bills. With their combination of wisdom and pluck, the members of the General Assembly really aim to keep things humming by focusing on quantity over quality, generating an impressive array of bills for a part-time body. They recognize that this is a numbers game – not every piece of paper that passes through the State House is going to be a winner, but if you generate enough of them, one or two are bound to hit. Think of our laws as a lot like scratch tickets: most of them are a waste of time, but the creation of them keeps a lot of Rhode Islanders employed. Oh, and you can easily purchase them from track-suited men in gas stations.

Two great examples of our legislature’s admirable work ethic made news in the past month. The first was a bill to declare Rhode Island-style calamari as the official state appetizer, introduced by the Right Honorable Rep. Joseph McNamara (D-Warwick, Cranston). While this might seem frivolous at first glance, it’s actually a marvel of legislative efficiency, solving, as it does, two problems at the same time: it finally settles the contentious issue of whether to order the calamari, the clam cakes or – dark horse – the fried ravioli, while at the same time enshrining into law the belief of all God-fearing, red blooded Rhode Islanders that you have no business ordering the calamari as your entrée. (I’m looking at you, Auntie Marie.)

The second was a masterful piece of statecraft submitted by the Most High and Exalted Rep. Joy Hearn (D-Barrington), a bill that would ban individuals under the age of 21 from clubs that serve alcohol. This is actually just the latest of several times she’s introduced such legislation, thus earning the nickname by which she’s known around Barrington’s many underage drinking parties, “Kill Joy.” This time, however, it was done in tandem with a resolution from the Providence City Council seeking the same ban, sponsored by Their Imperial Majesties and Conquering Lions of the Tribe of Judah Councilmen Seth Yurdin and Nicholas Narducci. The stated aim of the bill is to curb violence at nightclubs. Of course, some less visionary folks have tried to criticize it as an unnecessary restriction on the rights of younger citizens, or a crippling blow to music clubs that survive on 18+ shows, or a hindrance to Providence’s music scene as major touring bands are unlikely to stop in a city where many of their fans can’t attend, or a ridiculous, ham-fisted exercise in creating the illusion of “getting tough” on a problem without actually having to accomplish anything. Some even point out that most of the violence is perpetrated by people over 21, but they can’t see the forest for the trees. The real brilliance of this fine piece of legalese is that since almost every imaginable concert venue serves alcohol, Providence is now safe from the like of Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, One Direction or – God save us – Ke$ha. Plus, now no one under the age of 21 will ever get drunk again – ever. Keep up the good work, General Assembly.